Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Official russian translation.

Now this thing is stuffed so hard with high-quality fan-service that it’s as good as christmas turkey! (The author of these texts is not a citizen of USA and have no cultural experience in that kind of “atomic family” consumerism.) After not terrible, but not outstanding first film, this one is almost great. The story and writing are above average, the cinematography is not terrible and pandering to fans of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987) is thick.

While i’m not a fanatique of the franchise, i consider that run to be my favourite, because i really love that animation quality, those girls, the changes to the lore and those 80s trashy gang and tech designs. Amazing designs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) was very heavy on intergalactic sci-fi nonsense and was really boring for me. I hated the redesign of Krang and what they’ve did to Shredder. Oh, and i hate midriff baring. I force myself to be more tolerant to it these days, but that doesn’t change the fact. Maybe if i’ve lived in really hot climate i wouldn’t mind, but from what i know of New York city from cultural zeitgeist is that it’s rainy, dirty, october-feeling and has snowy winters. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) CGI cartoon looks very sterile and stale from glimpses i caught and the bad game i’ve tried. Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looks outright 10s-tier cheap and oh lol-so-random “comedy” with only one personality copypasted five times.

The writers had amazing chance to fix the main complaint about this version of TMNT — the designs. Turtles could’ve taken those chemicals, but instead of turning them into humans it would’ve only changed their noses. Boom! Perfect writing! Great franchise! Well and Technodrome is rather empty inside.

@темы: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Кинотеатр, Кино

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Zuma's Revenge!

Run of the mill game in the shoot-wire-match-three genre of Puzz Loom heritage, challenging but heavily relying on luck. It looks and sounds nice, but mechanics are basic, half of the power-ups are useless (and are rather rare overall) and level-design is extremely pedestrian. But worst of all last chapter is extremely unfair with last boss just spaming stun attacks while aim is deliberately off.

@темы: Zuma, Компьютерные Игры, Индустрия Развлечений

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Jeanne DuPrau — The Prophet of Yonwood

The Prophet of Yonwood is a totally autistic garbage about religious rednecks and stupid people which is not significantly related to the rest of the series and gives only vague details of a beckstory to the world
also it was written after the internet and iphones and its story makes no sense with corrupt cops following some retarded crazy hag's basic human rights violating orders

@темы: Jeanne DuPrau, The Books of Ember, Книги

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Money Monster

Official russian translation

It is an okay occupy wall street the movie about an attempt at real journalism (which doesn’t exist). Though, the inclusion of corrupt The young turks is especially jarring, considering the subject matter. You know, the guys who endorse armenian genocide.

@темы: Кинотеатр, Money Monster, Кино

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San Andreas

It is a run of the mill disaster movie. It has a couple of ok visuals and some survivalist advice. But he didn't even break the window with his fist and of course, it features the retarded shot of the retarded flag.

@темы: San Andreas, Кино, Индустрия Развлечений

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The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981)

Унылый фильм про унылых людей, делающих унылые вещи.

@темы: The Postman Always Rings Twice, Кино

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Warcraft (2016)

Official russian translation.

The movie isn't as bad as everyone says. It being based on a game's lore is absolutely besides the point. It's just bad as movie by itself. Well, not "bad" bad, but extra dull and uninspired.

It's a most generic fantasy-action film, based on most generic universe, stolen from less know universe with less generic lore. Warcraft's universe was garbage all along. Blizzard always was abysmal at storytelling. The only bright moment the setting had were The Frozen Throne campaigns, and even they were cheap and half-arsed attempts at recompiling the tropes. The games have merit only on pure mechanics-level, and only Reign of Chaos with The Frozen Throne still hold up, maybe Tides of Darkness too. And still, the stupid non-in-engine cinematics were absolutely terrible. They had nothing to do with the game and the characters were so unrecognizable, that i never understood who they are supposed to represent. Not even body types were kept consistent. Even the basic cinematic language was a mess with bad flow.
The second game has already retconned the first one, third retconned the second, MMO retconned the third one, and this picture reboots it all.

Only stupid people would blame the computer game origins of this IP. In the end even good movies have bad stories. Movies are not books. The failings of this attempt are related directly to its cinematic qualities. It looks plastic and generic, and all that even with them actually managing to capture the cartoony art-style, which looks rather uncanny. Instead of building up on that and creating some new cinematography and\or hamming-in larger-than-life characters, played by the cast of bodybuilders with unconventional faces, it's just flat. It's a cartoony CGI cartoon which intentionally tries to be drab and boring, as if it's an oscarbait.

@темы: Кинотеатр, warcraft, Warcraft (2016), Кино

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Total Recall (2012)

A movie which is not another adaptation of the We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, but a reboot of a really good movie. It even stole it's name and should be punished.

In itself it's a dull, almost boring and very unmemorable action movie, which doesn't taste like the Dick at all. And the original, despite being a pure straightforward action movie did. I can't totally recall what this was about, all what i remember is the stolen scenes and that there is a giant elevator. And judging by the trailer, the action scenes are made of cartoony CGI rubber.

@темы: Энтропия, total recall, Кино, Индустрия Развлечений

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Alice Through the Looking Glass

A movie with tolerable plot which is used for the wrong universe. What is wrong with people who try to shove Alice in Wonderland into a logical rigid structure?

But overall it is too borderline boring and is about yet another But alas, it is 1888, and I am but a woman. And you know what? It's completely unrelated to the Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There.

@темы: кинотеатр, Alice in Wonderland, Кино

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The Blind Side (2009)

It’s a tolerable sportsball movie.

But it feels kinda off, is it racist? I dunno we need to consult professionally offended on that. I’m not a part of the aggrieved yankeestan minority, and this story isn’t offensive enough for me to decide.

@темы: The Blind Side (2009), Кино

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Oldeuboi

"Эники-беники, джем из ос, на тебя нашёл гипноз“.

A painfully boring and unmemorable drama sprinkled with cheap shock value bait here and there. It's so dull, that being left alone in the empty room with an electric shocker and this movie — i would go for an electric shocker. And i metaphorically did. After 30 minutes in, i randomly out of nowhere decided that to shave my legs. For some reason it seemed as a better proposition than to continue watching it.
I did force myself through the rest of it, after i finished, though.

And the worst part is that the actual imprisonment sequence is not that long, but it is all what i can even remember from it. I had to watch a fanboy's review of it to remember that actually it had a ton more of different things and it is that oh so quirky film, in attempt to portray the protagonist's ruined mental health.

The notorious fight scene is actually a generic tracking shot, which are usually done better and less artificial than here. In a fun action film a dood killing thousands of people with artificial quirky cinematography would actually work, but this thing is trying so hard and getting so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter, because it's a wanna-be super cereal drama.

Even outside of being super boring and putting a cartoony fight into a drama film — the whole story is based around hypnosis being used as a magic device.

@темы: Кино, oldboy

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FANT4STIC

A new take on Fantastic Four and their origins. It's a simple story, with classic pacing and slow build-up. On paper this should be bad, but it's even above average when you are in. Doctor Doom was a video-blogger before the events and the team is Venture Bros parody level of dysfunctional. New, fresh and more modern take makes this film interesting.

Like, having a good stupid Flash Gordon-like faithful adaptation of the ancient origin story could be nice, but having good anything would be nice. Meanwhile the majority of Flash Gordon-like movies are garbage, no matter the decade they were filmed in.

@темы: marvel, Fantastic Four, FANT4STIC, Кино

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X-Men: Apocalypse

This is almost as good as the First Class, it would be just as good if they've had yellow uniforms. Quicksilver is the best thing which has happened to the franchise.

In Days of Future Past Quicksilver's scene works only on metamodern level. It uses a serene song juxtaposing the action, but since the action is in slow-mo they are actually synergizing with the song. But metamodern is so 2000 and late, >>the current year is the time of repostmodern. This scene uses a faster song, which is synergizing with the action, juxtaposed with slow-motion. It's a +2 -1 rhyming scheme instead of outdated +1 -2. It's like comparing simple dawn of rap songs to, say, MF Doom.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWveXdj6oZU

The musical number is handled gracefully, they perfectly start the song, let it run its course, instead of just vomiting a collection of snippets, and they exit it appropriately. This film is packed with good stuff, considering the material they have to work with.

@темы: marvel, Кино, x-men

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god's not dead

It actually has a relatively okay core, depicting me circa 2009. A dude with above average oratorical skills fights a self-absorbed professor using every legal and illegal oratorical skill there is. I was orthodox before about 2012 and i too did discuss gods on anonymous imageboards. Well, or generally was arguing with teachers and professors. A good discussion with complex arguments is fun to watch even if you don’t agree with the winner.

But then that core is muddied with most harmful catholic tropes and subplotes, turning it into weak-arse catholic propaganda with screaming autistic grannies spewing prophecies and retarded rednecks believing them.

It basically fights internet atheist couch-warriors kids and shows how GOD WILL PUNISH dem all damn satanic metal music listeners and D&D players.

@темы: god's not dead, Кино

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cronos

This movie is bizzarro. Sometimes it’s amazing. Other times it’s Gabriel Garcia Marquez levels of random autism.

@темы: Кино

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Postman Pat: The Movie

It starts slow, as you would expect. But, thankfully, it gains up steam and becomes a very modern take on the IP (which i was not familiar with). By which i mean it's on par with the 2010s wave of cartoons: autistic Steven Unifat, Adventure Time and the great The Amazing World of Gumball.

@темы: Мультипликация/анимация, postman pat

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zoolander

This is as embarrassing as a Ben Stiller movie. It has a very fitting cast, but having awful actors fit your movie only means it is a deliberately awful-centric picture about awfulness. It is original i'll give it that, but it is as awkward and cringy as Anchorman.

@темы: zoolander, Кино

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Captain America Civil War

"No, Tony. You are the villains." And then, Tony was a Villain.

Captain America: Civil War is basically a Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, with bigger amount of more established characters and barely passable proxy, instead of new take on old villain. And the best part of the movie is ✕bones, who dies in the opening sequence. That's because all of the other fights are half-arsed tavern brawls between friends, who are really reluctant to hit each other as if they mean it. Also, in general, this movie undermines and dismisses international juridical system, where everyone has a right for a lawyer and is innocent until proven guilty. If the Winter Soldier would just throw the white flag, then the body of a doctor would be found and investigation would go further, without unnecessary victims, destruction and infighting.

Mr. proxy villain being Arno Stark would make much more sense and have bigger impact than some random dood with no resources or backing from mister crazy alien\hesus-hating millionaire just casually being mastermind manipulator, and has too much top-secret information and leads on classified agents. It's still better than The Winter Soldier but can't step above the Age of Ultron. I want, nay, i demand, a series of short prequel films about ✕bones with that actor and costume, gathering resources for this one or leading other operations.

On top of everything, Scarlet Witch and Vision are so outside of everyone's league, that they should only fight each other, others are insignificant. Also if they were jailbroken, Scarlet Witch could've just repaired Winter Soldier's brain, especially with the help of the Black Widow.

@темы: Captain America, кинотеатр, marvel, Кино

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Чёрная молния

This premise. It was created for me. I love ГАЗ-21. But this iron-spider-man movie is really dumb and doesn't go out of the box. It's tolerable entertainment.

@темы: Чёрная молния, Кино

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Now You See Me

Эники-беники джем из ос, на тебя нашёл гипноз.

Kind of a cool concept of a con-film driven by a team of illusionists. The thing is, this film doesn’t have prestige. Everything happens off-screen and is never explained, not even half-arsed as in The Illusionist. When in a detective story you don’t see how magic show is done it’s not show anymore, it’s just magic, and that ruins the detective part.

Avengers assembled.

@темы: now you see me, Кино